E is for Eeyore, and Emily.

Yesterday was my 23rd birthday, and I have to confess, I dislike my birthday; it is as Eeyore says, "the worst day of the year". Beyond being a young child (the days of troll-themed birthday parties, dollar-store gifts, ice-cream cakes and goody-bags to end the day) I have not enjoyed a single birthday. There will be moments during the day that are sweet, but the majority of the moments seem to be spent crying the remainder of the tear quota from the year of life past, or trying really hard not to cry until tears are just pouring down your face and people are looking at you oddly. It is fully the gloomiest day of the year, preceded only once so far in 2005 by the three days of my graduation. I don't know what it is. Maybe the pressure of other peoples expectations; expectations that it will be the best day of the year, expectations that you are super stoked that however many years ago you survived being born, really, it is my mom that should be getting the high fives and cakes and flowers every December 17th, not me.

I find that on my birthday I become overly introspective, and think about how much I didn't do in the past year of my life, and how many opportunities I let slip. It is kind of a day of mourning. Not that I am getting old, I don't mind that so much, but more just about the time that has passed and the fewness of things I have done- and then I feel guilty because, again, everyone else is so excited and expecting you to be so happy as well- and then, people are super disappointed when they find out that you are going home (after working on your birthday) to sit on your couch alone and watch Disney movies. Is it bad that that is what I want to do? My good friend at work cheered me up with a rendition of a gloomy day song that her stuffed Eeyore sings.

Being 23 now, I am ready to grow up and do my birthdays my way. I have a game plan for the years to come, and I am going to not expect every year to be different. It is hard to be a downer on the one day when everyone else around you is being so cheery for your sake, especially when your disposition on the other 364 days of the year generally leans towards extreme happiness.

Having now made all of the above statements let me back it up a little and clarify a few things. I appreciate everyones well wishes and thoughts, and I cherish the opportunity to reconnect with close friends from across the world. Also I love other peoples birthdays and making a big deal of them. Hypocritical? Peut-etre. I just don't like it when it's about me, I become an emotional wreck once a year. God knows I will never survive my own wedding.

This past week was focused on the virtue of purpose, and I had a lot of really insightful and poignant things to say about it, but I guess the purpose of this post changed when I began writing. Pat on the back for me tho because it was a good purposeful week, up until yesterday. This week is self-discipline. Start a new year on the right foot.